I learned something today…maybe.

I seem to be the type of person who struggles with learning lessons. I almost have to do something terrible twice before I actually get it. Usually, this something terrible is to me, but not always. This morning, it was a realization that it was to myself. Thank goodness.

Yet, what I learn has ramifications – to my family and friends. The ripples are maybe endless. Or maybe, they just extend for a really long distance. Either way, I think I should learn, not just for me but for my loved ones.

On vacation. Sun. Sand. Beach. Drinks. It’s a holiday, right? I can take a holiday from the way I normally eat, too, right?

Oh no no no.

Four days into my wheat-alcohol-sugar free for all, I feel awful. Couldn’t sleep, digestive upset, feeling just ugly, bloated, and bad, I woke up early to just plain stomach aches. I had thrown caution to the wind, cheese on my burger, and ice cream in a cup. It’s paradise? What could go wrong?

Yuck. Four days. That is it. What I perceive to be denial is just my body’s way of telling me what is good for me. After just coming off forty days of eating clean, I muck it up. Stupid girl.

But that’s just where I go wrong, and maybe you do, too. This isn’t about going wrong. I now know my limit. I have pushed the car to run out of gas so that next time, I know just had far the needle can go. I know how much is too much and what it makes me feel like. It’s also good for me to know that the pain isn’t immediate – I will pay later. Food is a body’s credit card – eat now, pay later. With added painful interest.

Eating well, and what my body wants, is not punishment. It is optimal pleasure. Eating poorly is not a reward for good eating. As I know now, it’s a very painful experience to let go.

Chaos eating really is chaos.